I’ll just come right out and say it. The holidays always make me think about babies. As in, having them. Did I really just type that? It started a few years ago, when Jesse’s cousin gave birth to the most adorable little brown-haired baby girl I had ever seen. I spent the whole family Christmas celebration holding that baby. How can I explain how badly I wanted that girl to be mine? I came back home and wandered the baby section of JC Penny, looking at lavender blankets and nearly crying like some crazy woman because she wasn’t mine.
You must understand that up until this time, Jesse and I had no interest in having children of our own. Kids were nice in theory, for other people to birth and raise, but no thanks. Not for us. Babies were smelly and messy and noisy, and as they aged they seemed to only get worse. And pregnancy? Um, do you know how that usually ends? Sure it’s all fun and games until the pumpkin-sized human being actually comes out you-know-where.
So, there I was three years ago looking at baby blankets when I was supposed to be doing some post-holiday-sale shopping, with this strange sensation in my chest. What, a biological clock? I have one of those?
And since then, whenever Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around, I inevitably start thinking. This Thanksgiving was the worst yet. I remember sitting on the couch one afternoon, our families around us. I don’t know what was going on, but it couldn’t have been much. We were just there, the way families do when there isn’t food to prepare or eat.
I literally felt like something was missing. Like someone was missing. Then I realized that it was my baby who I was missing. My very next thought was something like, holy crap that’s weird! And then, you can never tell anyone that because they will then know you are insane. I was missing someone who doesn’t exist yet (and may never exist—who knows? I don’t have a crystal ball). I might be losing my mind.
Of course, it could just be hormones. They still aren’t back on track, though the holistic doctor I’m seeing is doing her best, bless her heart. So, I’m on a rollercoaster emotionally anyway. Eventually the holidays end and life gets less sentimental and I’m sure we’ll hang out with our friends who have babies and one of them will do us the great service of pitching a fit or throwing up, and then I’ll feel better, at least for a while. After the JC Penny incident, I settled down and went about my life, sans brown-haired baby.
But if we do have children, one day at Thanksgiving I will tell them, I thought of you, I prayed for you, I missed you, before you were born.
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Uh oh, you’ve got the baby bug!!
Hazel throws plenty of tantrums, so I can bring her by in the middle of one. Or, we had a nice restaurant incident with baby poop, exploding diapers,etc the other night. I can tell you more about it if it will help.
and then there are the extra expenses….
but I have to say, despite all of that, having Hazel is the best! She keeps us laughing and is just so much fun. Like last night, Kara and Brandon were over, and we had a naked Hazel running around the house and spinning in circles, laughing and squealing. And nothing beats seeing Hazel after being gone, either for a whole work day, or just a couple minutes to use the restroom, and having her do a happy dance and squeal because she is so excited to see me. Or when I kiss her on the mouth and she giggles. Or when she just wants her mommy to cuddle with her and noone else will do. So, maybe I won’t do such a good job convincing you not to have one after all!
then have a baby already!!!
i love it.
Hopefully you will get a baby fix when you come to Florida! Zoe can’t wait to meet Uncle Jesse and Aunt Erin. (Ok, maybe I can’t wait for her to meet you guys -smiles!) And- get this- my biological clock must be way out of wack, because I’m ready for another baby! Here I have a 3 month old in my arms and I’m yearning for another one! Who is the crazy one now???
Sandy!!! You are not helping! Ashley, you aren’t either.
Gonna try that winky thing, though. And Rebecca, I can’t wait to see little Zoe either. I have a feeling she is going to be bad for me. Cute baby + Christmas + friends and family. A dangerous combination!
The baby bug does seem to be going around. It doesn’t help that we have friends with such cool kids like Hazel and Olivia that make us wonder why we don’t have a baby that can be such good friends with them. Usually taking some time looking at our check book and budget is what keeps the bug from turning into an epidemic for me!
Ooh, looking at the budget is a great idea–that will help for sure!
Awww, Your not crazy in the least… Oh how I wish I was mother, I have been dreaming of it for years… But my situation is different. I am not married, thought I almost was. And I am not supposed to be able to “carry” a child due to my heart. I have a thought that my mother tells me when I get like that. Here on earth, or in heaven, or after Jesus comes back (the 1000 year +) . We will have children to love to care for. and Plenty of holidays. heheheh…
God Bless You, Merry Christmas!!! Happy New Year Erin!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too! And you never know what God has in store for you. I will look forward to seeing what He’s got planned for your future.
Don’t look at me; I have no clocks–just a heart rate monitor!
Haha! Someone was talking about 11-pound and 13-pound babies last night (as in, birth weight), so I’m feeling a smidge better today.