“Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” (Thoreau)
Last night, Jesse took me out for a belated “just-us” birthday celebration. We ate at a somewhat-pricey Italian restaurant and then saw a musical adaptation of Big.
We don’t eat at “fancy” restaurants often. We just can’t afford it. When we were in college we ate at fancier places than we do now–funny how having a mortgage changes your perception of affordability.
But there we were, in this restaurant with its fountain-out-front, its dining room all expensive tile and wood-plank tables and leather-backed booths. I was wearing the most expensive dress I own–a $40 black number I bought at Zara in the Mall at Millenia last Christmas. I wore pearl earrings and a single-pearl necklace I bought in China at the Pearl Market in Suzhou. I probably paid less than $10 for the necklace and earrings combined. And my shoes were little black strappy Payless heels I’ve owned since college.
And then they seated this older couple next to us and it took less than forty seconds for me to realize that this couple could probably purchase everything we own in one fell swoop without blinking. They talked about soft-shelled crabs, they waved to other diners they knew, they exuded confidence and importance. The woman directed everything, ordering for the two of them, telling the waiter exactly when to bring the entrees after the mussels (”Last time, they timed it all wrong,” she told the waiter, and he practically tripped over himself to agree with her and assure her the mistake would not be repeated).
Up to this point, I had thought the restaurant just had somewhat poor service, as our waiter seemed sleepy and unenthusiastic, just handing us pieces of paper with the specials listed instead of telling us anything about the dishes. But, as I watched the verbal back flips our dining-neighbors’ waiter was doing for them, I had the sneaking suspicion that our waiter’s performance was decided the instance we ordered water to drink rather than wine.
This is certainly not the first time this has happened to us. One Valentine’s Day a few years ago we went to an upscale restaurant downtown and watched as people seated after us were served much more quickly and nicely because they kept ordering glass after glass of wine, because their clothes had designer labels, because they sported flashy diamonds and expensive watches.
I’m always disappointed and somewhat surprised when this happens. Jesse and I try to tip well, and since the economy has been in its lovely little downward spiral, we try to tip more than we otherwise would. We’d never dream of telling a waiter exactly when to bring our entrees, and we’d never complain if our dinner came a few minutes before we finished our appetizer. But as soon as we say, “Water’s fine,” that’s it. We’ve been summed up, and there’s nothing we can do to change the bright flashing signs above our heads that say: CHEAP. NOT WORTH ANY EXTRA EFFORT.
But despite the service snub, we had a lovely time last night. We loved our meal and we enjoyed the musical, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing about the evening. In fact, if we were to somehow come into a lot of money, I doubt we’d score better service even then. I’d still wear my $40 dress. It’s comfortable and flattering. The only pearls I can imagine buying would be wholesale from a little Chinese lady in a stall in the Suzhou Pearl Market. I’d still order water because I like water.
In general, I don’t believe that something is intrinsically valuable because it’s expensive. So, if that means we’ll read our own specials, then so be it.
Gosh, I love your perspective Erin. I’m glad to hear you guys had a wonderful evening together!
Thanks Lauren!
Well, it may be possible that, since this older couple was obviously a couple of regulars seeing as they complained about how the service was last time and that they knew other diners there (and, in my experience working in a restaurant, older couples tend to be regulars/regulars tend to be older couples), maybe the waiter only acted that way towards them and not you because he knew from previous experience exactly how they like to be treated and knew that if he didn’t they might complain to management or not tip and he could lose his job. Perhaps that’s not his typical waiting demeanor, but he knows he has to put on a show for the two of them. Older diners tend to be fussier in general compared to diners your age as well. Waiters usually become pretty good at sizing up their tables from the outset and tailoring their service toward that, so it might not have had as much to do with how much the waiter thought you would spend/tip and more to do with how much attention he anticipated you wanting/needing. I generally like to just have them take my order, answer questions, serve the food, refill my drink, bring the check and otherwise leave me alone, and I think an experienced server can usually read that about me and others like me and, conversely, can recognize high maintenance diners as well. Not that I’m doubting your ability to summize the situation, I just thought I’d suggest a possibility that it might not have had anything to do with you at all, or at least not a negative assumption about you. If you were really curious, you could always try ordering a glass of wine next time and see if anything changes. Anyway, I’m glad you had a wonderful evening regardless.
Thanks for the different perspective! Who knows–maybe that’s what was going on. Very interesting…
I am very annoyed by this kind of treatment at restaurants. It happens to me and Pete all the time. They look at us, assume we are young and won’t tip, and thus begins a self-fulfilling prophecy. First, we get seated at a crappy table, near the door, near the bathroom, etc., when there are plenty of other tables available. I used to be shy about saying something, but now I openly object and request another table. Then, we order water. We very rarely have alcohol with dinner, and we don’t drink much soda, so water is the obvious choice. But apparently unless you order wine, you are a nobody. Often, we are not told of any specials personally and have to listen when servers recite them to other customers. We also rarely order appetizers or dessert because we just don’t eat that much. Another strike against us. And then, after receiving poor service, I am expected to tip well?
It’s funny, as you point out, how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Expect a bad tip, provide poor service, receive a bad tip. I believe I read somewhere that the people who have the most money (and order the most wine, etc.) are not actually the best tippers.
You know, what I found really interesting was what Yana said about how she used to be shy but now speaks up when she wants a table in a different location! I don’t at all mean to suggest that she would ever complain about the timing of her meal’s courses or whatever, but it does seem like we have an ability to appear “higher maintenance” consumers as we get older. Even if that is just a matter of us “demanding” our due… While I’m not especially brave about critiquing a service as it’s being performed, I am more willing to make a customer complaint about the quality of a good. What I find interesting about that is the idea that a product has a set price, therefore, the money I pay for it necessitates that it meets its usual standard of quality. However, since tipping for service is at our discretion, I think we are the converse side of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Sure, we don’t want to be fussy diners, but if we knew we could pay extravagantly for service, we might expect more, whether or not we would be so rude about demanding it.
Hmm, that’s very interesting. Maybe we are engaging in a self-fulfilling prophecy. What if because we knew we had a much lower income than most people in the restaurant, we somehow communicated that in some subtle way? I don’t know–maybe that’s reading too much into the situation. Or maybe it’s a combination of the waiter’s assumptions and our assumptions. Maybe our waiter just wasn’t very good.
I agree with Sabrina. I think as we get older, we feel it’s our right to “demand” better service. I can’t wait to be a cranky old lady and yell at kids to “get off my lawn!”
Haha! I can still remember which houses in our neighborhood were homes to “cranky old ladies.” We were quite cautious about which yards we ran through!
Ever since Seth and I started eating out together, he made me aware of the stigma servers assign to those who order water. Well, water is teh only thing I drink. I can’t help it that it’s free. And stereotypes aren’t always right. Seth and I have always been good tippers. In a way, I like tipping more than the server thinks I will just to turn his or her expectations and prejudices upside down. This is not to say I will tip well for rude service, but I don’t like fulfilling their prophesy.
I know–I’d pay for the water (sometimes) if it cost money. Maybe I wouldn’t pay as much as a glass of wine can cost, but still. What’s wrong with wanting to drink one of the best things you can drink?
As a former waitress I wish tip was included in the amount you get paid per hour. I used to work at a really nice restaurant where you got paid less than $2/hr. I would just pray that someone would order a lot so that I could get a decent tip- guess what costs a lot? Alcohol. It’s ironic because I don’t advocate people getting drunk and I often order water when we go out. When drinkers came in I would make more money because it takes just as much effort for me to get water as it does for me to got get a glass of wine.
Nick & I always tip about 20% only because I know that most waiters don’t make that much. However, I do sometimes give a little more or less based on service. I especially give more when we order water, share one dish and still get great service. Now there is a server who cares about me as a customer, but a paycheck.
Also, I am a mystery shopper and you might enjoy it as well. You can eat well, judge the service and get reimbursed. Once I mystery shopped Bonefish Grill- the questionnaire was 100+ questions long! but we were required to order an appetizer, 2 entrees, dessert and drinks.
I wish the tip were included as well. I think it’s crazy the way it’s set up. It creates a forced and weird relationship between server and customer, and I don’t know that it really ensures better service. If a server is no good, he or she should be placed in a different job. The best servers will get the best jobs, and so on. Oh well.
I’ve got to learn more about this mystery shopping thing! Sounds like fun.