Jesse’s friend from Texas committed suicide last week. We found out on our way to Luke and Jamie’s wedding on Saturday, one of the hottest days of the year so far. There were no details then, nothing to say. As the shock wears off, the news gets heavier. The way he died was extremely violent. There are too many gaps, too many pieces of missing information.Why was he left alone? Where did he get the gasoline? Was it a match, a cigarette lighter? And all things in between.
I finished We the Living today and was just beside myself, considering what’s been on my mind since the weekend. I knew what had to happen, but mentally I was just begging the book to be different, to end differently. Oh, please, please, end differently. I guess there are so many endings we wish were different. But this book, this book I knew wouldn’t end well but I wanted to rip out the end and replace it with a new one, and until the very last page I held out hope for better.
Last night we ate fried cornbread and drank little glasses of milk before bed and we talked about him, about the years, and it was so quiet in the house. Earlier, I had cried, had begged Jesse to know how much I loved him, because when one person dies everyone could die, everyone is just impossibly fragile and temporary.
Tonight, I watched old home movies, Christmas in West Virginia, playing hide-and-seek with Uncle Gene. Who is that little person with the long dark hair and the tiny, shrill West Virginia accent? I don’t have that voice anymore.
That’s all. Just a series of images, a line of thought that makes sense in my head and falls apart on the page. But that’s fine, that’s fine with me. The dots don’t always connect. We don’t always get the ending we’d hoped for.
7 Comments
Beautiful post Erin…
Makes sense to me.
I’m sorry for your’s and Jessie’s loss. <3
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. It’s so sad.
::just a hug::
“…a line of thought that makes sense in my head and falls apart on the page.”
While the things around you may feel as though they are falling apart, you can rest assured your writing is not. Like fried cornbread and a glass of milk, there’s comfort to be found in knowing that you have the power of your words when all else fails.
Oh Erin, I am so sorry. My deepest condolences to you, Jesse, and all of the poor boy’s friends and family. So many things just don’t make sense or turn out how they should. But like you’re doing, it is important (and all we can definitely do) to remember the love we have and cherish it.
My name is Hannah Laningham. I heard about this horrific tragedy a couple hours ago. Late on the news but nonetheless shocking to my family and I, at a loss for words. I went to Grace Community Church for many years with Dave Rask when he was still Salt7, and my older sister was even closer to him. But we haven’t seen him in some time because we left the church about five years ago. Does your friend Jesse have any other details? If so, please let me know at bananahannah_07@hotmail.com, thank you for putting this out there and I am sure many more people are as confused as you.