Today I found myself buying whiskey, chewing tobacco, and a case of beer. All the cheapest of their varieties, and all for the garden. Last year, I managed to buy two cans of beer (I call them man-cans, but others inform me they’re “forties,” or “40s,” not sure which) for the garden. This year, I’m going all out. (At the farmer’s market today, when I announced my intentions and shopping list, Stephen and Sandy’s friend said, “You’re turning your garden into an old man!” Even better that my list also included mouthwash and Epsom salts…)
My embarrassment was made only worse by my having to ask real people for the tobacco and whiskey. At the ABC store, the lady behind the counter asked if I needed any help, and I responded, a little too quickly and a little too eagerly, “I need the cheapest whiskey you’ve got!” I thought that might make me sound like an alcoholic, but I reasoned that an alcoholic would know exactly where the cheapest whiskey was and wouldn’t need to ask. At Wal-Mart, I pushed my cart into the tobacco checkout line and asked the cashier for “the cheapest chewing tobacco you’ve got” and then tried to maintain the facial expression and general manner of someone who does not chew tobacco.
To add insult to injury, I bought a big box of canned beer, and was not carded, which made me feel depressed. I’m fine with not looking twenty-one, but don’t they have to card you unless you look over thirty? Oh, jeez.
This past Thursday and Friday were the tilling and planting and shopping and all-around working-a-lot days. (Pictures of the garden to come.) The garden is now planted, and Sharon will be visiting family this week so I’m on my own. I’ll try not to kill everything while she’s gone. Hopefully the garden likes booze and tobacco…
4 Comments
I think you should try a little bit of each. To commune with the garden, you know? I’d love to see a pic of you: in one hand, the whiskey bottle; in the other, a can of beer; and in your mouth, a big wad of tobacco. Man, that would be awesome.
So what do you do with all of that? I’m thinking of starting a garden, but every time I have a plant or flower, it ends up dead. I’m hoping there is some miracle stuff out there that will counteract my total lack of gardening skills.
And I wouldn’t worry too much about not being carded. There seems to be no rhyme or reason. Maybe she knew you didn’t plan on guzzling the whiskey on the way home, or maybe she just didn’t care enough to card. Either way, I don’t think you need to start checking for gray hairs.
I am laughing at you. That is all.
Hillary–I will work on getting you that picture. (Though I have to say I will probably not put the tobacco actually in my mouth…especially since I bought such cheap stuff! haha!)
Kristin–You mix various things into tonics and put them in hose-end sprayers and then water into your garden or yard. They’re from Jerry Baker’s books. I have a black thumb, so I feel your pain with plants.
Sabrina–Always happy to provide entertainment.