Rest

Last Sunday, I had an epiphany. Well, it had been brewing for a while, but Sunday afternoon was when I decided to get serious about it.

Sometime last week, Jesse observed: “You never just sit.” I may stop for a moment, but even in my times of “rest,” I’m always consuming something or doing something—reading, checking the news online, planning something I’m about to do, or regretting something I should have already done. I’m always on.

Sadly, this doesn’t result in great amounts of productivity. If you want to see productivity, just look to Sabrina, who accomplishes more while napping than I do in a normal day.

It does, however, result in a lot of procrastination. See, when my brain decides it’s done and can’t stand to edit or write or whatever, I just end up on Facebook, wasting time. Then, I feel guilty for not getting more done and overwhelmed thinking of all that needs doing. Even when I do something I enjoy, say reading a book or something, I feel guilty for it afterwards.

So, the epiphany. Sunday afternoon, I had a Congo meeting and afterward Rachael and I stood out in the parking lot of the church and realized we were looking forward to the trip because in Congo, we’d be less stressed out. I wanted to laugh. Who goes to a third-world country to relax? Well, me, apparently. Because here, in my comfy first-world existence, I don’t.

The other day, I forced myself to take a bubble bath without a book or magazine with me. I filled up the tub and then stared at the ceiling and every three minutes thought, Is that enough? Am I done? Can I do something else now? NO, I told myself, and stayed put, determined to rest.

I think a lot of this stems from the fact that Jesse’s basically working two jobs right now while I babysit and try to finish this book. I feel like a freeloader, and that drives me crazy. Sure, I do all the household chores, I cook, I pay the bills and keep the budget, I grocery shop, and so on. Most of the time, Jesse comes home to a fairly clean house and a home-cooked dinner, and I’m sure that’s kind of nice. But, I’m not bringing in a whole lot of cash, and try as I might, I still have that linked to my feelings of self-worth. (Stupid, I know. Sorry.)

So, when I do things I enjoy, somewhere in the back of my mind is a picture of Jesse, slaving away, not getting to do the things he enjoys. And it’s all my fault.

Well. I guess he and I need to do some more talking about our current situation. But, in the meantime, I can’t keep this up, this whole never-really-resting/feeling-guilty-for-not-doing-more song and dance I’ve got going.

I made a list, because that’s what I do, and at the top I wrote Things I Enjoy. It goes like this:

Being outside
Gardening
Photography
Reading
Cooking/Baking
Reading cookbooks
Spending time w/friends
Spending time w/Jesse
Having a clean house (not so much the actual cleaning)
Listening to music
Drinking tea

(Note that Facebook didn’t make the list. Neither did checking online news.)

This week, I’ve been trying to do at least one thing from the list each day. These things are relaxing to me, restorative. The trick is, it doesn’t count if I feel guilty for it later.

The funny thing? Since I’ve started this, I’ve been more productive. Because when I’m tempted to procrastinate or waste time, the pull isn’t as strong because I know I’ll be able to do something restful that I enjoy if I make the time for it. It’s really just an attitude shift. Today, I mopped the floors and vacuumed and cleaned the dishes, and while I was doing it, I told myself I was doing it because having a clean house is on the list, and I knew I’d feel better once the floors were sparkly and smelling nice.

Today, I spent the first half of the day with A. and we took a long walk, played outside, read books, worked on learning colors, shapes, letters, and numbers. Then I came home and ate lunch while sitting at the little table on our back patio (er, concrete slab). While talking to Simona on the phone, I dusted the house and tidied up, and after hanging up I performed the aforementioned chores, then washed Jesse’s car (outside and in!). Earlier this morning, I’d put a pot roast in the slow cooker, so I didn’t need to make dinner, but on a whim I decided to go for a batch of cornbread. Jesse had to work late, so I ate by myself, cleaned up the kitchen, then decided I’d bake a lemon buttermilk pound cake (I’ve never made a pound cake before, so we’ll see how it turns out).

And the day’s not done. I may read, I may drink some tea, I may tackle some editing. Or, I might sit in the tub, doing absolutely nothing.