8:00 a.m. Eat good breakfast with protein to give me energy for writing. Drink hot green tea, for a little caffeine and antioxidants. Get ready for the day and see Jesse off to work.

9:00 a.m. Use the Barnes & Noble gift card I found this weekend to buy zombie movies, zombie books, and a book of letters from Ginsberg and his father. (Research and inspiration, check.)

9:30 a.m. Answer work-related e-mails to make sure plate is sufficiently clear for writing.

10:00 a.m. Read blogs. (Reading and writing are so connected, you know?)

10:30 a.m. Check work e-mail again.

10:35 a.m. Get an old essay ready to send out. Write cover letters, print things, address envelopes. (Look at me, being productive and sending things out! So totally something a writer would do.)

11:00 a.m. Change Facebook profile picture. (Yeah, I’ve got nothing for this one.)

11:05 a.m. Watch the Google Freddy Mercury video. Admire its creativity.

11:10 a.m. Check work e-mail.

11:15 a.m. Open Microsoft Word and stare at blank screen.

11:20 a.m. Laugh as Gracie jumps into the office chair Oliver was sleeping in and proceeds to sit on him. Oliver is un-phased and proceeds to lick Gracie’s back. Well, how cute is that?

11:21 a.m. Take pictures of the cats.

…

And you get the point. Okay, I am going to write something as soon as I post this. Immediately! With no waiting! I mean, after I post this and put the link on Facebook and Twitter of course…and check my work e-mail one more time…

Oh, here’s some pictures of Oliver and Gracie, in case you were needing a little distraction too:

Jesse and I have started driving to work together two days a week. We get up in the dark, and I make us coffee, and we stumble around, trying to wake up. And then we don coats and scarves and gloves and brave the cold, cold winter mornings. Together. So, it’s nicer. But it’s still awfully cold up here.

I’m trying for a work/life balance I haven’t quite figured out. Monday evening, I had planned to get caught up and caught ahead on some things, but I was just spent. For every problem I solved, I created two more. I realized that I wasn’t getting any work done–but I also wasn’t enjoying my evening. Finally, I gave myself the rest of the evening off. I hopped into the tub with the latest Bon Appétit and after I had read the magazine cover to cover, I curled up in bed with Oliver and a Joyce Carol Oates’ book. After a single chapter, I was ready for sleep, and sleep I did–hard.

The next day, the grading was still undone and the grammar test still unwritten. Having a full night of sleep behind me, though, I was more efficient and motivated. So I suppose I’m getting closer to balance–remembering that sometimes, a night off is necessary and more useful in intangible and tangible ways than an evening of tired work.

Anyway, don’t lie. You do it too.

I found the results of my “Striving Style” quiz to be shockingly accurate. I sent the results to Jesse and apologized; it must be exhausting to be married to me. He laughed it off. Because he’s pretty much the only person on the planet who could be married to me, and I think he kind of knows it.

Apparently, I’m highly motivated by recognition, knowledge, and control. This makes me feel a little silly and vain. Actually, it makes me feel like I should feel silly and vain, but if I’m honest it doesn’t. Not really. I generally like how I am and think there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious. It’s easier for me to imagine not having legs than to imagine not having ambition.

The official results:

“STRIVING TO BE RECOGNIZED
You scored: 17
You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That’s you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others.

What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you’re driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time.

Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you’re happy.”

Tied for second place, we have:

“STRIVING TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE
You scored: 15
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you’re often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you’re driven to deeply understand how things work. But that’s things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it’s just that you don’t need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn’t your goal—you’re secure enough in your cerebral pursuits.

What to watch out for: When you can’t find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend’s help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance.

Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Joining a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.”

and:

“STRIVING TO BE IN CONTROL
You scored: 15
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what’s best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver’s seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.

What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you become more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.

Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you’re suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you’re given the autonomy to do things your own way.”

I love how a lot of the advice is to find physical pursuits (races, jogging, dancing). Ha. Now I will promptly ignore that advice.

Also, because I already knew about the tendency toward megalomania, I am not allowed to play RISK with anyone I want a lasting relationship with.

If you want to take the assessment for yourself, go here. If you’re avoiding your own to-do list, even better.

Sometime last week, Jesse observed: “You never just sit.” I may stop for a moment, but even in my times of “rest,” I’m always consuming something or doing something—reading, checking the news online, planning something I’m about to do, or regretting something I should have already done. I’m always on.

Sadly, this doesn’t result in great amounts of productivity. If you want to see productivity, just look to Sabrina, who accomplishes more while napping than I do in a normal day.

It does, however, result in a lot of procrastination. See, when my brain decides it’s done and can’t stand to edit or write or whatever, I just end up on Facebook, wasting time. Then, I feel guilty for not getting more done and overwhelmed thinking of all that needs doing. Even when I do something I enjoy, say reading a book or something, I feel guilty for it afterwards.

So, the epiphany. Sunday afternoon, I had a Congo meeting and afterward Rachael and I stood out in the parking lot of the church and realized we were looking forward to the trip because in Congo, we’d be less stressed out. I wanted to laugh. Who goes to a third-world country to relax? Well, me, apparently. Because here, in my comfy first-world existence, I don’t.

The other day, I forced myself to take a bubble bath without a book or magazine with me. I filled up the tub and then stared at the ceiling and every three minutes thought, Is that enough? Am I done? Can I do something else now? NO, I told myself, and stayed put, determined to rest.

I think a lot of this stems from the fact that Jesse’s basically working two jobs right now while I babysit and try to finish this book. I feel like a freeloader, and that drives me crazy. Sure, I do all the household chores, I cook, I pay the bills and keep the budget, I grocery shop, and so on. Most of the time, Jesse comes home to a fairly clean house and a home-cooked dinner, and I’m sure that’s kind of nice. But, I’m not bringing in a whole lot of cash, and try as I might, I still have that linked to my feelings of self-worth. (Stupid, I know. Sorry.)

So, when I do things I enjoy, somewhere in the back of my mind is a picture of Jesse, slaving away, not getting to do the things he enjoys. And it’s all my fault.

Well. I guess he and I need to do some more talking about our current situation. But, in the meantime, I can’t keep this up, this whole never-really-resting/feeling-guilty-for-not-doing-more song and dance I’ve got going.

I made a list, because that’s what I do, and at the top I wrote Things I Enjoy. It goes like this:

Being outside
Gardening
Photography
Reading
Cooking/Baking
Reading cookbooks
Spending time w/friends
Spending time w/Jesse
Having a clean house (not so much the actual cleaning)
Listening to music
Drinking tea

(Note that Facebook didn’t make the list. Neither did checking online news.)

This week, I’ve been trying to do at least one thing from the list each day. These things are relaxing to me, restorative. The trick is, it doesn’t count if I feel guilty for it later.

The funny thing? Since I’ve started this, I’ve been more productive. Because when I’m tempted to procrastinate or waste time, the pull isn’t as strong because I know I’ll be able to do something restful that I enjoy if I make the time for it. It’s really just an attitude shift. Today, I mopped the floors and vacuumed and cleaned the dishes, and while I was doing it, I told myself I was doing it because having a clean house is on the list, and I knew I’d feel better once the floors were sparkly and smelling nice.

Today, I spent the first half of the day with A. and we took a long walk, played outside, read books, worked on learning colors, shapes, letters, and numbers. Then I came home and ate lunch while sitting at the little table on our back patio (er, concrete slab). While talking to Simona on the phone, I dusted the house and tidied up, and after hanging up I performed the aforementioned chores, then washed Jesse’s car (outside and in!). Earlier this morning, I’d put a pot roast in the slow cooker, so I didn’t need to make dinner, but on a whim I decided to go for a batch of cornbread. Jesse had to work late, so I ate by myself, cleaned up the kitchen, then decided I’d bake a lemon buttermilk pound cake (I’ve never made a pound cake before, so we’ll see how it turns out).

And the day’s not done. I may read, I may drink some tea, I may tackle some editing. Or, I might sit in the tub, doing absolutely nothing.